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Reframe Worrying
by Susan Tate

Are you really good at worrying? Do you believe that it makes you a better person (partner, mother, father, daughter, son, friend) if you worry about someone? Do you think your level of worry has a direct correlation to keeping a loved one safe? Do you think having a high level of worry proves your love for someone? If so, here’s a new view to consider: worrying does not protect your loved ones and it takes a lot of energy away from your daily activities. Might there be a better use for your time and energy?

I believe women are particularly good at worrying. (And clearly, I have known some really good worriers who are men.) I have often wondered if a mother’s genetic coding convinces her that worrying about her children will earn her the mother-of-the-year award. Well, I gave up worrying when my son, Zack, turned 16 and began driving. That’s when I realized that worrying had no correlation with his safety. There just wasn’t enough time or energy to focus all my thoughts in that negative way—so I switched to envisioning him safe and realized that if he wasn’t, I would be able to handle it. I discovered that sometimes he was safe and sometimes he wasn’t. I learned I really couldn’t control what was happening in his life; I could only attempt to control how I thought about it in my life. Zack is now in his thirties and I notice that “concern” often creeps into my thinking, but rarely “worry.” Sometimes he hasn’t been safe—and I’ve survived. Fortunately, so has he.

This concept of not worrying has come in handy as both of my adult children continue on unique career paths that sometimes take them far from home. My daughter, Molly, earned a master’s degree in International Disaster Psychology and spent her internship working with an organization for unaccompanied children in Bosnia. She has been on peace trips to Northern Ireland and the Balkans, and has studied in Senegal and France. Zack tours the country sharing his awesome music and is often on the road. Our time together, when we get it, is precious.

It is the norm to admonish to our children, “Be careful!” At some point, I remember consciously feeling better when I sent them off with a feeling of love rather than fear. I remember saying to my kids, as they left the house as teens, “Have a great time! I’ll see you when you get home.” The implication was that I trusted them to return safely rather than feared for their safety.

Kahlil Gibran wrote, "Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself . . . You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." It is crucial for parents to hold the bow strong and steady and equally important to release the arrows from that bow so they fly forward on their own path.

A few years ago, Molly accepted a position working as a counselor for the United Nations in Burundi, a country located south of Rwanda in East Africa. She drove UN vehicles to work that were inspected for explosives before she entered the mission. She traveled by convoy and sometimes by helicopter to provide services for UN workers in remote areas. (I distinctly remember one phone conversation when Molly described watching the pilot load her stress management materials onto the helicopter, next to the ammunition.)

At this writing, she is a program manager for a non-government organization (NGO) located in Burundi. She offers support and training for people working with child soldiers and victims of human trafficking in several regions in East Africa and in Sri Lanka. Her arrow continues to fly.

People often ask me if I worry about her. “No,” I reply, "I don't.” If I did, I'm sure I would be sick, sad, and a total wreck. And of course I haven’t perfected this not-worrying thing 100 percent of the time. I am far from perfect! There have been times with both Molly and Zack when I struggled to bring my thoughts back to seeing them safe, particularly when they were traveling and the communication lines were quiet. But it is clear to me, worrying is not the best use of my mind power.

And I must repeatedly and mindfully choose not to worry about Zack. He is an amazing singer-songwriter who travels in and out of cities and stays who-knows-where on any given occasion. I have deep respect for his unique spirit, as he creates an artist’s path that is often forged “out of the box” of society’s expectations of success. His music rocks my soul and just thinking of his heart and being brings tears to my eyes.

Our children were not put on his earth to please us or to follow a path that we choose for them. They get to create their passion. The best way I can support them is to honor who they are and hold them in a vision of health, light, safety, and love. My intention is to surround them with prayerful thoughts of safety, love, and well-being. I am filled with awe for their accomplishments. They are unique individuals with their own strengths. They are not an extension of me.

Are there adult children in your life who are forging their own way through this twenty-first century world? Do you spend precious time worrying about them? Would your time be better spent loving them, respecting them, envisioning them surrounded by light and safety? It’s wise and supports everyone’s journey of wellness to allow these individual arrows to find their own target.

Gay Hendricks suggests in his book, The Big Leap, that worrying is an addiction. Now that thought grabbed my attention! (So did the rest of his book.) The kicker is, we sometimes hit the jackpot (and feel rewarded) when something we worry about actually comes true. In Hendricks’ words, “If you worry long enough about the stock market crashing, you’ll eventually hit the jackpot, because from time to time it’s always going to crash.”

Worrying just isn’t worth the energy drain, is it? The next time you feel worried, try replacing that thought with a prayer or a trusting image and see if it makes you feel less angst. For some, this might take a while to reprogram a very old pattern of thinking. But you will discover the reframing is worth the effort.

I once heard that worrying over the things we can’t control is a waste of time because we can’t control them. Worrying over the things we can control is a waste of time because we can control them. So, why worry?

What do you value more, peace of mind or worrying? Maybe Bobby McFarrin has the right idea in his old refrain, “Don’t worry, be happy!”

Seven Steps to Support You in Implementing the Ideas in This Chapter

Write down the name of someone or a situation you are worried about right now.
How does it make you physically feel when you think about that person or situation?
Write down what you can do, if anything, to control the situation.
Write down what you can’t control.
How would you feel if you gave up worrying?
Do you want to keep on worrying or mindfully choose other things to think about or do?
Create a prayer or affirming statement that supports you in switching your thinking away from worrying mode. (Check out the Affirmations at the end of this book for ideas.) Say a prayer or state your affirmation each time worry enters your thoughts. Envision your loved ones surrounded by safety and light.